***

I met him one night at a gathering with friends in a hotel lobby. We had all ordered a round of appetizers and drinks and let the ideas fly. I was fresh off my 23andMe discoveries and was fascinated by the exposure to someone with a diasporatic perspective outside of my own. (My Venus in Gemini attraction was in full swing. LOL!) I couldn't help but notice however, that the young woman he was with was triggered by our mental connection. Were they together now or had they been together and now a new flower caught his eye? I took note. And, I wanted to see him again.

Our next in-person connection was at another gathering, a potluck with friends. Food, good people, revolutionary conversation, and music that he was curating. Next time was a dance party. Next time was a larger potluck. Next time was the beach, alone. And finally, the kiss: chocolate and raspberries. I was in heaven. But, I was also aware of the hellfire encroaching on my makeshift boundary of heaven....

The women.

Those who were friends who he'd previously dated--ones that were friends with each other and yet he didn't feel the need to tell them he was dating them at the same time--and others who had taken an interest in him but it wasn't reciprocated, and others who were drawn to & committed to the vision that he was creating for community even though he had no intention of staying, and, and, and….

And me.

Me playing a self-invented role of importance, leadership, organizer. There was implosion of course, and a splitting away of a large portion of the community.

And I stayed with him.

What was being built externally was too important. Internally, where else was I going to go? I didn't want to lose this desperately needed connection; truly, it lit me up in a way I'd never experienced and was necessary to my development as a woman. And yet, the fact remains that I had never had to deal with the boundary between the personal and the impact on community and from my estimation, I failed. I tried but I failed. I take my share in the responsibility of the destruction, whether I caused it externally or not, whether I had the internal strength to extricate myself from it or not. My Higher Nature was clear about what was going on but, that didn't prevent me from going through it. The amount of loss--i.e. change-- was hard both psychologically and emotionally.

And yet.

I was carried through. I was lived through.

Those experiences shaped so much of who I am right now and has made me hyper-aware about the crossroads I'm at (and have been in) in my life during this Saturn in Capricorn cycle. Events can happen quickly but true change, true transformation takes years. I've become keenly aware that the choices I've been making have shaped the external and internal experiences I have. Note that I don't say “creating” because we can't “create” life and all of Its perfect existence; we can only shape and influence what is already there. This dropping away of an old cycle and the grafting on of a new one takes patience and careful consideration. And so I ask myself:

Are the choices I'm making, particularly in relationships, more in alignment with what I want or am I self-deceiving? How can I assess that? For one, I can take a look at the fear quotient: how much fear is being triggered when I think about making a new choice? That's an indication that I need to look deeper. How does my body feel? Is my mind racing? Am I remembering to lean in to my relationship with God, daily?

I recently had the privilege of working with one of my past lives as a male slave who felt safe enough to present himself to me as I'd been holding space for all the places & spaces where that "fight-or-flight" response gets triggered in my personal healing work. The love that poured out of me to him as my brother, and from our spirit teams, was immense. He received what was available to him and he was healed, made whole. In all pain there is a tinge of self-judgment and my journey with him helped me see how harshly I’ve dealt with myself, especially in love.

Over the past year specifically I have seen a significant shift within my internal emotional landscape. A deep sense of resolve and patience has set in...well, as much as someone like me can be patient with themselves anyway. Like many, the “love” and “money” experiences are the places where the trials-by-fire exist. (The “family” stuff still shows up for me of course, but it has shifted in a way that is, dare I say, actually enjoyable now.) But, I’m learning the wisdom of “wait & see”, of going slow, of letting things unfold as they come. I think that’s a primary way I have to operate now since I’m really only being “shown” the next step as new realities are being molded every second. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. And that’s okay. For me--for us--the directive is always to lean on God more, not on myself and my ideas of the world. That Eternal Wisdom never fails and is All-Seeing, All-Knowing. I give thanks for that Grace!